


tears in heaven

by darkskies



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Future, Healing, Heavy Angst, M/M, Shorter is alive, asheiji, it has a happy ending i promise, learning to love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-05
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-10-04 08:48:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17301557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkskies/pseuds/darkskies
Summary: love isn't all it's cut out to be.yes, there are days when it's all sunshine and rainbows, but then comes the rain and the storms and your heart breaking.but through all this, Ash and Eiji come out fighting from the other side, stronger than ever.





	tears in heaven

They walk into the apartment, their arms heavy with full boxes. Eiji’s eyes fill with wonder, marvelling at the fact that this little apartment is theirs now. It belongs to both of them. He stares at the blank and empty walls in amazement as if it’s the best thing he’s ever seen. The apartment is empty and hollow and unfurnished, and Ash is pretty sure there’s a questionable stain on the carpet but if it means that it makes Eiji this happy, then Ash won’t complain.

He turns around, with excited gleam shining in his eyes and he beams at Ash. And in that moment, Ash swears that Eiji is the most beautiful person he’s ever seen and almost drops the box he’s holding, just to run over to Eiji and take him in his arms.  

“This- this apartment is ours now, it belongs to us, just the two of us,” Eiji says, seemingly out of breath from astonishment.

Now Ash has to walk over to him, he sets down the box in his arms on the table with a crooked leg and walks over to Eiji, standing behind him and placing his hands on Eiji’s hips. Ash carefully takes the box in Eiji’s hands and sets it down near their feet.

Eiji smiles and leans against Ash, humming low in his chest in contentment. He gently places his head back on to Ash’s shoulder and closes his eyes, taking Ash’s hands and intertwining their fingers together.  
Ash places a soft kiss against Eiji’s forehead as they stand there together, gently swaying on the spot in the middle of their living room.

It’s not much, but it’s theirs.

 -x-

_“i'll be there when you need me most_

_i'll be there if you're ever alone_

_together, we can grow old_

_i can't leave you”_

-x-

Japan, Ash figures, is better than New York.

Well, he may be biased considering all the shit he’s been through while spending his youth fighting tooth and nail for survival and constantly playing hide and seek with the law and mafia.

But he figures it’s much better and calmer and quieter. There’s the distinct lack of constant traffic and the masses of pedestrians and the weed and the piss left in cold, dark alleyways that Ash used to rule.

The air is fresher in where he and Eiji live now, it’s so much quieter and Ash can finally breathe. He’s escaped the constant fear of the unknown that used to loom over his head like a dark cloud, on the brink of opening the gates to hell.

The people here are friendlier and always willing to lend a hand. Well… mostly the elderly ladies that’s taken a fond interest in Eiji, always fussing over him and replacing him in the absence of their own grandsons.

He misses Shorter and Alex and Bones and Kong and the rest of his gang. But he’s at a better place now. And he just hopes they’re all safe and well. The last time he was on the phone to Shorter, he explained that he’d closed down Nadia’s restaurant and taken her and the rest of the gang down west to Alaska.

He knows Shorter will be okay, but he can’t help worrying about him, especially after last time, when he’d stood on a wavering line between life and death. He can’t lose someone else again.

Eiji walks into the room holding two mugs, sweet tea for himself and coffee in the other for Ash. He sees Ash by the window, his palm pressed against the cool surface, watching out with longing seeping out of his eyes. Eiji quietly places the two mugs on the table and walks over to stand behind Ash.

“Hey” he whispers, not wanting Ash to be startled.

Ash turns his head and smiles as Eiji wraps his arms around Ash’s waist, and leans into the embrace. Eiji leans his head on Ash’s shoulder and lets their heartbeats sync in time with each other’s, relishing in the warmth radiating off his body and his chest.

He thinks he may have seen Ash’s eyes shining with tears, but then it could just be a trick of the light.

He doesn’t say anything.

-x- 

_“i’m sorry for leaving_

_i’m sorry i push you away_

_no one alone_

_can do it alone_

_you say”_

-x-

Sometimes Ash still wakes up screaming and thrashing in his bed, the sheets tangled between his legs and a bloodcurdling scream ripping itself loose from deep inside him.

Sometimes he screams Shorter’s name and sometimes Griffin’s or Skipper’s, and sometimes it’s even Eiji’s. A nightmare that's woven together from the people he couldn’t save and the people he’d nearly lost.

He screams as he remembers the blood stains on his hands, from the people he’s had to kill to survive, remembers all the blood, bright red, splattered on the floor, on his shoes, on his shirt, everywhere.

Screams as he remembers the blood even though he scrubs his skin in the shower until its red and raw, desperately trying to get away from the phantoms of the dead that cling onto him. Screams and cries and desperately wishing for this to be all over.

But Eiji is there. Eiji is always there, gently waking him up and hushing him like a mother calming her distressed baby. Eiji is there, taking Ash into his arms and wrapping around him like a warm blanket, providing safety.

Eiji is there, whispering reassurances over and over again into the dead of the night, as Ash’s breathing evens out, and he’s grounding his spiralling mind, to the feel of Eiji’s soft but warm hands rubbing up and down his arms, as he repeats “I’m here, I’m here. You’re okay, you’re here, it’s okay, it’s gonna be okay” with a slight tremble in his voice.

Eiji is there when Ash sobs into his lap, running his hands gently through his soft blond hair that’s reaching down to his shoulders. Eiji is there, wiping away the tears that are mingled with cold sweat, pressing a gentle kiss onto Ash’s forehead.

Eiji is there, as they fall asleep wrapped up in each other’s arms in the fear that the nightmares may sneak up on them and rip them away again in the cruel way that the universe seems to work.

When Ash wakes up in the morning, Eiji is there, his head on Ash’s chest as if he’d fallen asleep listening to his heartbeat, with his arms thrown around Ash’s torso and snoozing contentedly.

 _Eiji is here_ , he repeats in his mind.

-x-

_“we are bound to each other's heart_

_cold, torn and pulled apart_

_this love, is like wildfire”_

-x-

Some days are hard. But some days are unbearable.

Like the days Ash is unable to get out of bed, held captive by the fears that his mind conjures up, tormenting him even when his eyes are open, even when the sun is out.

Like the days he lays in bed, unmoving and unblinking like a corpse. And Eiji will come in, and try to coax him to get to his feet with his small hands and soft voice and get him to function again like a normal human being and something inside him just _snaps._ It cracks open a flood of anger and rage and _pain_ that has Ash trembling from head to toe.

Why is Eiji still here?! “Why are you sacrificing your normal life to be with a fucked up and _broken_ empty shell of a human being like me?!” Ash will scream until his throat is raw and his chest is heaving.

And Eiji will scream back a million valid reasons just as loud until his voice cracks. “I LOVE YOU, YOU IDIOT” he'll scream “DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?! IS IT NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?! AM I NOT ENOUGH TO STAY AROUND?!” And they'll fight for hours and hours until one of them breaks, usually ending up with a fist connecting to the wall and tears pooling up in frustration.

But Ash doesn't understand how to even begin explaining that all the people that have loved him had ended up dead at the expense of him. That all the people that have loved him, have left because they were impatient at the time he took learning to love them back.

He doesn't know how to tell Eiji that he deserves better, he deserves someone who isn't so broken beyond repair, someone who's broken pieces are dented at the edges and some pieces can't even be found. He deserves someone that has their life together, someone that's fixed, someone giving and not expecting anything in return. 

They'll fight until there isn't enough oxygen in their lungs to shout out another response, until the neighbours get concerned to the point they consider knocking on their door to check up on the lovely couple that has so much life in them.

And then they'll whisper “I'm sorry” like a desperate prayer needing to be answered.

And they'll make up with tear-stained kisses, clutching onto each other with the promise of not letting go.

One of them is waiting until he's inevitably abandoned, and the other is holding on tight to not lose him again.

-x-

_“and is it worth the wait_

_all this killing time?_

_are you strong enough to stand_

_protecting both your heart and mine?”_

-x-

They learn to love. They learn to love by taking baby steps and stumbling and tripping each time. They learn to love by falling deeper each time, catching each other the split second before they hit rock bottom.

“I will love you,” Eiji whispers one night, as they're laying in bed facing each other, “always and forever.”

“Forever is an awfully long time” Ash replies, smiling sadly. It's the most heartbreaking thing he's ever seen, Eiji thinks. Like an angel plastering his pain with a crooked smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes.

They fall asleep to the sound of each other's breathing, and the raindrops beating down against their windows, drawing patterns on their skin that feels familiar like promises. 

Eiji wonders if he's lost Ash for good.

Wonders if he'll ever find his way back home.

-x-

_“and i don't want the world to see me_

_'cause i don't think that they'd understand_

_when everything's meant to be broken_

_i just want you to know who i am”_

-x- 

Ash loves Eiji. Ash loves Eiji for the way he selflessly and unconditionally loves him. He loves him for the way he's stayed by his side, regardless of the times they've doubted everything between them. He loves him for the way he cares for Ash, and expects nothing in return.

Ash loves him when the sunlight filters in through their bedroom window blinds and hits him at the perfect angle to illuminate his raw beauty. And he looks so peaceful and calm that Ash kicks himself at the thought of even considering leaving him. 

Ash loves him when he smiles, the type of smile that reaches his eyes, that has his eyes sparkling and his mouth pulled up into a crescent moon as he beams happily, and he feels his heart leap in his chest.

Ash loves him when he laughs, his head thrown back, and his whole body shaking with giggles as he tries to stifle them, making Ash go warm all over. Those are the best kind of days.

Ash loves him through everything.

Eiji loves Ash. Eiji loves Ash for the way he fights for anything and everything he stands for. Eiji loves Ash for the way he fought death just to get to him. Eiji loves Ash for being strong, for being loyal and compassionate even when Ash himself doesn't think so.

Eiji loves Ash even when he's being a moody ass. Eiji loves him when he gets angry and tries pouting to only end up looking like a cute kitty. Eiji loves him even when he's being unreasonable because he's so far gone for him and he can't do anything but keep falling.

Eiji loves Ash when he's being a sassy little sir. Eiji loves him when he's at his best, dancing around their kitchen in his boxers with an oversized unbuttoned shirt slung over his shoulders, singing into a spoon as the radio station plays in the background. Eiji loves him when he stares into the camera and gives one of his angelic smiles that makes his heart skip a beat.

Eiji loves him through everything.

They love each other, and that's enough.

-x- 

_“i'm so in love with you_

_and i hope you know_

_darling your love is more than worth its weight in gold_

_we've come so far my dear_

_look how we've grown_

_and i wanna stay with you until we're grey and old”_

-x-

Two months later, they're sitting at the dining table, with Eiji’s family dog, Buddy, laying at the foot of the couch, dozing off to sleep. He'd put up a fight to be here in the company of Eiji after not seeing him for nearly a year.

They're at the dining table eating the dinner they both prepared while laughing and making a mess that's left to the future Eiji and Ash.

Then they're sitting on the couch, watching a movie where a cute little girl with pigtails is running after her dog as the parents run after her, all of them smiling and laughing. It makes warmth bloom inside Ash’s chest as he imagines that kind of future for himself, a future where Eiji is sitting up a little girl in his lap, smiling down at her.

These kinds of thoughts don't scare him anymore, they don't have him running into the other direction, no, they keep him rooted to the spot and make him smile as he looks down at the gorgeous man that's laying on his chest. He smiles as he thanks a god up in the sky for blessing him with someone as rare and precious as Eiji.

Suddenly the weight of the light silver ring inside his pocket burns into his thigh, his hands itching to get it out and hold it out in front of him for Eiji.

So he sifts his position on the couch and turns his body so he's facing Eiji. Eiji is still transfixed on the movie playing as the quiet harmony of a woman's voice begins to sing.

With his heart in his throat, Ash leans down and kisses Eiji’s cheek. He looks up smiling but then frowns as he sees the terror sprawled across Ash’s face. "Babe?" he asks cautiously. 

With shaking hands and a trembling voice, Ash begins, “Eiji,” he struggles out as this heart thumps wildly, reverberating in his ears.

“I know I'm not entirely your dream man, but I just wanted to say,” he tightly clutches the ring in his palm, digging into his skin in pain. Eiji opens his mouth to respond, but Ash cuts him out and keeps talking.

“When I think of a future for me, I see you in it. You are my future Eiji. And you promised to love me always and forever and I promise to do the same. And I-” he holds out the ring in his palm, it catches the light and glints in pride, as the little diamond encased into it shines brightly. Just as bright as their love for each other.

He sees Eiji’s eyes widen and his hand flies up to cover half of his face.

“This is a promise ring. One day I’m going to replace it with an actual ring, I swear. But this, this is a promise that I will marry you, a promise that I will love you always and forever, I will love you even through all our hardships, I will love you on the good days and the bad. I will always love you.” he says shakily as he slides the ring onto Eiji’s finger.

Eiji’s eyes are wet with unshed tears as he gives Ash the biggest watery smile. It feels like he ate happiness for dinner with the way his chest is blooming with affection.

He looks down at the new shiny ring on his finger and then turns around and grabs Ash into a kiss so full of passion and love he feels his knees going weak. 

  
_This is what love feels like,_  he thinks, smiling into the kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> song lyrics in order; 
> 
> 1\. seafret - be there  
> 2\. oliver daldry - untitled (for now)  
> 3\. seafret - wildfire  
> 4\. florence + the machine - heavy in your arms  
> 5\. goo goo dolls - iris  
> 6\. james arthur - say you won't let go
> 
> i am so sorry, this was supposed to be pure fluff but then my hand slipped and we went into angstville  
> but i hope u enjoyed!!


End file.
